mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
