Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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