i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
