Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
