Your face is a jimmy john
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
