I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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