Are we in a gay sports bar?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
foreskin is a definite game changer
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
