y did u give ur computer a hand job?
My first STD was from a foam party
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
