Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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