I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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