when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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