How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
