I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
never play flip cup with pint glasses
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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