walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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