When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
