I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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