I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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