Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
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