You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
