My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
She needs sedatives and a leash
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
