Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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