We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
