its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
