see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
