It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
