i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
