Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
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I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
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Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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