Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
