apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
