i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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