Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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