I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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