Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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