You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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