My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
