You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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