I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
