I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
