I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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