I think I died a long time ago.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
