I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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