I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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