i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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