I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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