no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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