Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
