Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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