i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
