he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
