The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
