I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
