I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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