I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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