Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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