Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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