i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize
