I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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