I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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