it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
