This is not my ceiling
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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